Wednesday, June 18, 2008

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

This is the shortest cancer blog of all time probably. Heaven has got their party hats on today. Beauregard went to the Bridge last night. He woke me up around 3am. He was wheezing and gurgling. It was clear that he couldn't get a breath of oxygen. I took him down to emergency hoping that there was some drug that would allow him to breathe a little until I was ready to let him go. I had to get ready. He was only oxygenating at 88%. They put them on oxygen at 90%. My choice was to put him on oxygen, hospitalize him and wait for him to drown in his own fluids or let him go peacefully. I sat down on the floor with him and held his head against my chest. I told him that I loved him and that Xica would be waiting for him on the other side. Then I wished him a pleasant journey and he was gone.

Beauregard will be missed as much as he was loved. As far as dogs go, he was a champagne supernova. Party on Big Man.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Ups and downs

Beau did good last night until we got home. His wheezing is worse, his breathing is shallow and labored. I held him last night as we both fell asleep. I wish something would put the brakes on this disease, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I took him in the truck with me to the gym this morning. He was slow eating his last meal last night and it contained ground chuck. He didn't finish his breakfast this morning. I had egg whites in my breakfast and gave him the yolks. This has been one of his favorites. He didn't finish them. I'm afraid this isn't going well. His eyes don't tell me it's time, but I don't know how much time we have left. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through with an animal. Rayette and Broderick lived to almost 16 and were visibly sick and ready to go. Toby took a bad turn one day and that was it. Cody did the same thing. I came home and Xica was gone. This day by day is the most painful thing I think I've done with a dog.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Tonight is a good night. Quite honestly I thought there was a 50/50 chance that I was going to come home and Beauregard would be gone. So when he greeted me at the door today, the tears were finally tears of joy. I can't stop crying, I can't believe my guy is so sick, so quickly. But tonight he was doing better, so he got another dose of his herbal remedies and a car ride. He seems to be doing a little better although he's wheezing when he breathes, which I know is not good. I'm just thrilled that he's not worse. All day long I prayed "fight big man, fight" and he did.

One scotch, one bourbon, one beer

Beau's regiment will include:

1/4 organic cottage cheese
1 T flax seeds
1 t Essiac
1 cap tumeric
1 cap Red clover blossom
1 cap colostrum
1 cap Pau d Arco

He got this last night. He's been deteriorating very quickly. Right now I'm scared that he won't be here when I get home from work. He struggled through dinner last night and barely made it through his breakfast. I gave him a Tramadol this morning. He's been prescribed 2.5 pills twice a day, but I started with one pill to see if it took the edge off. He is a very sick boy right now. I'm not ready to lose him, I hope the herbs put the brakes on this shit.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

It starts with a cough

Beauregard had a cough. It's been going on about 10 days. He had swallowed a chicken leg whole and I was hoping that was the root of the problem. Then every morning he would hack a little. Then I noticed that he wasn't as active and yesterday, Saturday, his breathing was rapid. I thought it was congestive heart failure or lung cancer. I even told a friend on Friday night that I was afraid to take him in because I didn't want him to be sick. Stupid, I know, but functional at the moment. I waited too long and had to take him to Contra Costa Emergency. The Doctor immediately heard the murmur. They took him in the back and took X-Rays. I filled up the tank in the truck at Costco. $67 for truck gas. When I returned the news was not good. The heart didn't look that bad, but there was something else on the X-Ray. Spots. Lots of them. He wanted to keep Beau until the radiologist got in to read them at 8pm. I agreed. 8:20 the phone rings and it's not good news. The spots are lung cancer. It can't be treated it's all through the lobes. All I can do is make him comfortable. So begins my quest to make him comfortable.